Skip to main content

Feels just like our giardia honeymoon...

Is anyone else in the world participating in the high-fiber, one-week "Healthy Detox Diet" published in February's Glamour magazine and online at Way back in May 2007, I followed Glamour's plan for a month-long "high energy" diet. It was wonderful. I'd been having digestive and mestrual issues that totally cleared up when I forced myself to follow a strictly healthy-food regimen. And the plan pushed me to eat MORE food than I had been used to eating, probably because I'd been so nauseous and crampy all the time.

But that was for "high energy," not "cleansing." I saw nothing wrong with a one-week, high-fiber diet at first. I'm not doing it to lose weight, because I don't need weight loss. But I figure anyone could stand to scrub out some accumulated toxins and kick the caffeine/sugar/alcohol/processed food habits we 'Mericans all indulge to some degree. Just for one little week.

Mr. G is such a sport that he decided to go on the plan with me, so we could both be in top shape for our Florida vacation in three weeks. There is NOTHING worse than feeling sick on an airplane or catching a bug at the start of vacation. So for the first two days, I prepared Glamour's recommended portions for myself (seeing as the plan was designed for women) and 50% more for him.

We went to the store and bought $200 worth of food, mostly fresh and frozen produce, and NO breads, pastas, butter, or cheeses. That's right--$200 to feed two people for one week. It's more expensive than our usual grocery bill, but a lot cheaper than, say, a get-fit camp or week-long cleansing spa. And $100 is what my last bill for medical tests cost, so if I can prevent one of those... well, that's my whole week of super-food paid for. Besides, we are unable to go out to eat or buy a drink at the bar during this week. We have friends who throw down $90 on shots on Saturday night like it's nothing... and then, perhaps, skimp on necessities. It's a matter of priorities. And can you really put a price on optimal health and wellness?

WELL, by the end of Day Two, our bellies were distended, and we were so sluggish with hunger that we couldn't even think! Who was this plan designed for, I wondered? I'm a size four. I don't eat as much as the average American. Is my metabolism that super-high? Am I way too active for this dietary model, even though I'd never call myself "athletic?" In any case, it was clearly not enough caloric value to even keep my word processor running. Glamour recommends exercising while on this diet, but I did 40 minutes of low-intensity belly dance and helped Mr. G shovel the driveway... and then I was about ready to eat my own feet. We couldn't drive, sleep, or form a coherent sentence. My left eyelid twitched constantly. Mr. G laid on the couch and stared at the Playstation, unable to figure out how to play it. There was no way we could survive on the tiny amounts of food recommended by the "nutritionists..." whom I am now convinced are anorexic, the size of Tila Tequila with the physical activity level of Mariah Carey, or utterly delusional.

So we put our muddled, aching heads together and decided that this could not possibly be healthy, and we needed to increase the portions. Let's stay on the meal plan, we decided, but give Mr. G 200% and me 150%. We started with dinner last night (chicken and veggies) and breakfast this morning (high-fiber cereal with skim milk and nuts). Now we get enough food to feel satisfied, but our bodies haven't adjusted to the intense amount of fiber from all the fruits and veggies. Our guts are as swollen as when we caught giardia on our Mexican honeymoon. (See Mr. G's frowny face and puffed belly, above.) But I know that bodies do adjust to high-fiber intake after a few days of switching from a diet filled with red meat and processed carbs, so we're sticking with it. As we speak, I'm munching apple wedges dipped in natural peanut butter.
And you know, I think I've already stopped craving chocolate and cheese.
Is this cleanse week worth it? There's only one way to find out.
To be continued!


  1. I just ate two slices of meatloaf! MMMM

    and a side of cucumbers and tomatoes and washed it down with a big mug of coffee. This morning I ate a bowl of all bran with strawberries.

    It was gooooo-ooood.

  2. Can I just say... I am so enraged that my own blog is flashing Qdoba coupons in my face right now.

    But my man just made some delicious whole grain blueberry pancakes for breakfast. We were supposed to eat oatmeal with nuts and berries to day, but f*** that. I need some carbs for my brain to function. I just read somewhere that low-carb diets make some women stop releasing serotonin, so they get moody and stupid. So that's why I've been cranky and stuttery and unable to complete a sentence!

    Yesterday, I cheated and noshed on whole wheat pasta for lunch, instead of the recommended plain chicken and tabbouleh. It made all the difference. This experiment ends just before Fat Tuesday. Though my acne has cleared up almost magically, Mr. G has lost almost 10 pounds (seemingly all from his midsection), and we're both sleeping more soundly, I don't think we will ever cut out carbs again. Not worth the drain bamage.

    Though the cutting out of processed sugar is surprisingly easy. I think we'll keep eating minimal sugar (well, except for Fat Tuesday's Quality Dairy binge) until Florida. My sweets cravings ended shortly after Day One.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

35 Great Things About Turning 35

The prime of life starts at 35! It's the best-kept secret from younger people, but your 35th birthday is a major cause for celebration. For mine, I have made my own listicle of 35 reasons why experts agree that 35 is the best age to be:
You get to say, "I'm 35." The number 35 carries so much more gravitas than 30, but you're only a few years older. At 34, I've started fudging my age--by adding a year. People automatically take me seriously, and if they don't, at least they tell me I look young for my age. (Eye roll, hair toss, "whatever.")  35-year-olds DGAF. Inner chill reaches new heights at 35. Despite its #2 status on this list, it's the #1 response I hear about what's best about hitting 35. My gorgeous friend Nerlie was beautiful and resilient and wise beyond her years in high school, but now, at age 35, she gets to fully enjoy being herself on her own terms. She writes,  "I've survived so much that I don't waste time o…

A Bad Romance Starring Till Lindemann, Sophia Thomalla, Gavin Rossdale, Simone Thomalla, Sven Martinek, Andy LaPlegua, and Leila Lowfire

November 2018 Update: Sophia is settled in with Gavin a young soccer player (like mother like daughter) now, I guess, and Till is spending time with 36-year-old (hell yeah, thank you, sir) Ukrainian singer Svetlana Loboda. He is either her latest babydaddy or doing her the favor of bearding as such (not that he's great with beards, but we don't mind--we know how much he loves pregnant and lactating ladies) to help her keep some distance from her crazy ex who cuts his wrists over her. The juice continues...

To misquote Gaga, "I don't speak German, but I can look at foreign tabloids and guess what's going on if you like."

I guess it would be more professional and ladylike for me to be above this sordid celebrity gossip, but I'm not. I'm so not.

So let's see if I've got this straight. From what I gather...

Metalgod Till Lindemann, 54, and model Sophia Thomalla, 27 (upper left) recently exited a five-year, on-off, opennish relationship, which bega…

Ich Liebe Rammstein: Richard

Richard Z. Kruspe
Richard Zven Kruspe is Rammstein's founding father, lead guitarist, and natural frontman.

***IMPORTANT UPDATE, 2018***: Richard has immortalized his lifelong bromance with Till in a tender duet about their friendship, "Let's Go" by Richard's side band Emigrate. Till sings words such as "Zwei Herzen in mir schlagen" with sincerity and I think I am now deceased.

He's gregarious, well-spoken in both German and English, a professional showman, and an enthusiastic promoter for the band. In German, his name is pronounced "REE-kard," and in Germanglish, "Reeshard," or "Reesh" for short. Richard is sexy, and he knows it. To many Rammstein fans, he is the cuuuuuuute one. His Facebook page would have you believe it.

Legend has it that Richard has a lovechild with lead singer Till Lindeman. The myth is based in complicated facts and figures, including one unconventional love triangle. Circa 1990, Richard and Till …