Skip to main content

Saving September

I'm sure you've heard that America has cracked right in half, with one side flooded and the other on fire. And there's not enough money for relief, because it's all earmarked to persecute the only people who actually want to live here. The news, from local reports all the way to the BBC and Al Jazeera, has been awful.

At the last meeting of the esteemed Pigasus Pen (my noveling group), we agreed that the hilarious romance novels created by half of our team, Meika Usher and Christina Mitchell, are like psychological panic rooms where we can escape the horrors of Real Life for a laugh and a swoon that just might save our whole day--and our will to keep on writing. Pigasister Victoria Solomon needs strength to enter the turbulent, poisoned waters of YA lit's mean girls, and I need a little sugar to fuel my epic journey through a tale of serial killers and child slavery.

SO METAL!


And romance novels alone aren't going to save the day. They are an essential component of a doom survival kit, but I need more! It's harvest season, and I'm hangry. Winter is coming and all that. It's time to feast on life--drink the floods and eat the fires, do whatever impossible things are necessary to conquer the gloom and create that satisfying story arc and miraculous resolution.

So here is my plan to save September:

1. Build a bunker of paper-bound novels and activate all of my home's hygge systems. This means romance and more. I know it's not even available until the Eve of All the Hallows, but I can still make space on the shelf and in my dark, creepy heart for Gregory Maguire's new book Hiddensee. The cover alone makes me hungry for nuts...

2. Bake the fruits of summer. This year's harvests have been blessedly good, I guess, considering the sometimes catastrophic failures of the season that have become the new normal with climate change. Michigan's berries and cherries have been plentiful. I made a scrumptious blueberry yogurt cake that was quickly, enthusiastically devoured by adults and picky children.


The wild creatures great and small who share the use of my land have helped themselves to most of my apple crop this year, but I did manage to gather enough to bake a pie, which I am now eating for breakfast with vanilla ice cream.


I don't quite understand what Ms. Corn is trying to do in my front yard, but she has now attempted a total of nine corncobs, and it looks like she may finish the season with a total of three edible ears of corn. This is madness. Maybe it was the marijuana farm topsoil we used. But even if the creatures great and small get to her sweet kernels before we do, she'll make some lovely front porch decorations for fall, and then we'll toss her in the woodstove for heating fuel.

3. Wash down the baking with mulled cider spiked with Viking Blod honey and hibiscus mead. Do I need to explain this? The picture is the recipe. Simmer everything except the mead together for 20 minutes, then spike. It tastes like a drunken wedding at a cider mill. (Omit the final step of spiking before serving to small Vikings.)

4. FREEDOM! We've decided to go ahead and hack the driveway, because construction season has no end in sight, and it looks like our "moat" may be a permanent feature of our driveway for the foreseeable future. Maybe it will fill with ice and snow come winter. Until then, my husband has crafted a stylish drawbridge of plywood scraps so that we can enter and exit our driveway in our vehicles without busting a wheel.

5. Wear shoes that look like granny's sofa. While I'm speaking in autumnal metaphors, I've experienced a delay in my already-too-long schedule of maintaining my hair color, resulting in a few inches of silvery roots. Instead of resorting to extreme measures to get it "fixed" immediately, I went thrift store shopping for Ann Taylor Loft clothes (I'm too old for Forever 21, but not too old for adorably ironic Ann Taylor, right?) and purchased a new pair of ankle booties that resemble a grandmother's upholstery. With silver highlights to match my hair.


What can I say--I've been inspired by the September issue of Allure with Helen Mirren, which celebrates women who take pride in their appearance without trying to look younger.

6. Watch the news, but don't get stuck in it. There are literally fires, floods, and other catastrophes unfolding across America, so we need to maintain, as Professor Moody screams during my daughter's bedtime stories, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" But we need to make sure we don't get frozen, paralyzed, despondent, or too frustrated to act with energy and bravery as needed. We need each other more than ever right now, so, as Disney's latest version of Cinderella repeats, "Have courage and be kind." Put on your own oxygen mask first, and then be ready to do whatever it is you have to do.

Courage and kindness!


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Bad Romance Starring Till Lindemann, Sophia Thomalla, Gavin Rossdale, Simone Thomalla, Sven Martinek, Andy LaPlegua, and Leila Lowfire

To misquote Gaga, "I don't speak German, but I can look at foreign tabloids and guess what's going on if you like."


I guess it would be more professional and ladylike for me to be above this sordid celebrity gossip, but I'm not. I'm so not.


So let's see if I've got this straight. From what I gather...


Metalgod Till Lindemann, 54, and model Sophia Thomalla, 27 (upper left) recently exited a five-year, on-off, opennish relationship, which began when Sophia's actress mother Simone (upper right, in the center) and Simone's then-lover (between her marriages to nubile young athletes) actor Sven Martinek (lower left, in the center), who is famous for his lead role in German TV show Der Clown (lower right) thought it would be cute to set Sophia up with their pal Till. Apparently, the 22-year-old Sophia was not repulsed at her parental figures setting her up with a drinking buddy significantly older than her mom, which absolutely makes sense when the d…

Ich Liebe Rammstein: Richard

Richard Z. Kruspe
Richard Zven Kruspe is Rammstein's founding father, lead guitarist, and natural frontman. He's gregarious, well-spoken in both German and English, a professional showman, and an enthusiastic promoter for the band. In German, his name is pronounced "REE-kard," and in Germanglish, "Reeshard," or "Reesh" for short. Richard is sexy, and he knows it. To many Rammstein fans, he is the cuuuuuuute one. His Facebook page would have you believe it.

Legend has it that Richard has a lovechild with lead singer Till Lindeman. The myth is based in complicated facts and figures, including one unconventional love triangle. Circa 1990, Richard and Till were in a band together (along with future Rammstein rhythm guitarist Paul Landers) with the cheeky name First Arsch. Till, the drummer, was a single father of a little girl at the time, the issue of a short-lived, youthful shotgun wedding--to Richard's current girlfriend. When "Mrs. Lindem…

Ich Liebe Rammstein: Till

UPDATE: After purging his sillies on the side project LINDEMANN and participating in another Rammstein documentary video, Till has begun work on a seventh Rammstein album, estimated to be released in 2017. 

October 2017 is the release date of a NatGeo photo book of Till's travels in the Yukon with Joey Kelly: Mein Gehasster Freund Yukon

Yukon Ho!

For fresh squeezed gossip juice, here's a bad (as in so good) romance. Till Lindemann
Till Lindemann is the only living human who could kick Chuck Norris's ass, but he doesn't, because they go on emo hunting trips together. The source of this fact, Urban Dictionary, also provides the following essential details: "Till Lindemann is the anthropomorphic personification of pure masculinity who invented the often-lethal dance move: The Till Hammer..." "He challenges the definition of masculine..." "Every German fertility clinic features a cardboard cutout of Till Lindemann choking a shark with one hand, whils…