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A Bad Romance Starring Till Lindemann, Sophia Thomalla, Gavin Rossdale, Simone Thomalla, Sven Martinek, Andy LaPlegua, and Leila Lowfire

To misquote Gaga, "I don't speak German, but I can look at foreign tabloids and guess what's going on if you like."

Simone Thomalla and Till Lindemann

I guess it would be more professional and ladylike for me to be above this sordid celebrity gossip, but I'm not. I'm so not.


So let's see if I've got this straight. From what I gather...


Metalgod Till Lindemann, 54, and model Sophia Thomalla, 27 (upper left) recently exited a five-year, on-off, opennish relationship, which began when Sophia's actress mother Simone (upper right, in the center) and Simone's then-lover (between her marriages to nubile young athletes) actor Sven Martinek (lower left, in the center), who is famous for his lead role in German TV show Der Clown (lower right) thought it would be cute to set Sophia up with their pal Till. Apparently, the 22-year-old Sophia was not repulsed at her parental figures setting her up with a drinking buddy significantly older than her mom, which absolutely makes sense when the dirty old man is Till Lindemann, because who would pass that up? Not Sophia.

Much fun and drama ensued, which involved lots of family Instagram photos from an apartment the gang rented to hang out in together... and Sophia getting a tattoo of Till's face on her arm, right up against another tattoo of her mom Simone's face. Which is extremely weird, and no one seems to talk about that, nor the fact that Till went out and had a good time with Simone and not Sophia on a number of occasions. But I digress. Sophia got another tattoo of the word "Till" on the back of her neck.

Then, one dark and stormy night...


In between her latest bouts of Till-love, Sophia got married for a few days to Norwegian rocker--and Till's friend of many years--Andy LaPlegua (upper left), who got Sophia's name tattooed across his chest somewhere between Sophia's first hookup with Andy and her last hookup with Till. Shortly after this messy micro-marriage, Sophia was photographed making out with Gavin Rossdale (top center), alleged nanny-banger and sad ex-husband of Gwen Stefani (upper right).

But don't cry for Till, Argentina. He is safe and warm in the "glamorous" embrace of even-younger-than-Sophia erotic model Leila Lowfire (lower left and right--heh heh, Beavis laugh), whose comforting allure can best be described as "machestic."

And don't cry for Sophia either. She recently appeared on a TV show about tattoo removal, getting people all excited to see her take off those Till tattoos... and she punked her viewers by instead having a minor fix done to some tiny thing on her finger. She insists that she has no regrets about her other tattoos and will keep them.

Je ne regrette rien!


And also Till and Sophia are still hanging out, an unsurprising twist in the story to which Sophia has already responded with a confirmation that she and Till are still on, and sometimes off, and open, and together. Das ist klar? Still confused? That's okay. Es tut dir gut.

P.S. A couple years back, Till spent some quality time mann gegen mann gegen Arktis with Joey Kelly in the Yukon. October 2017 is the scheduled release date of a NatGeo photo book of their adventures: Mein Gehasster Freund Yukon.

You can order it on Amazon.

And if that isn't a happy ending, I don't know what is.

YUKON HO!

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