Skip to main content

The General Admission of the Ladies' Pleasure


My spirit animal and fairy godsister Esperanzita just wrote about her first time... on the General Admission floor of a Ghost concert. She went expecting to have a hot, naughty time rocking out to her favorite guilty pleasure and had it ruined by a horny bro-dude who showed up with his handsy hands and no game plan.

Bro-dudes, listen. There is a right way and a wrong way to get frisky with a stranger at a concert. I am not opposed to it in general. Back in the early days of this millennium, Esperanza took me to a super hot Jaguares concert in Mexico. As I basked in the sultry voice of Saul Hernandez with his luxurious mane and tight ass bellbottom jeans, I was approached by a muscular and handsome rockero who exhibited his own poetic Romance language skills, rhythmic talents, and courtship maneuvers that still make me sweat to recall. Whoo! Needless to say, my concert experience was greatly enhanced by this interaction, and we both enjoyed ourselves.

Sadly, most interactions we ladies have in the General Admission pool at concerts with strange men range from annoying to disturbing. If you're, like, one of those dudes who gets off by groping random women on the bus and running away with your pit stains, this post is not for you. But if you're actually trying to "meet someone" to "have a good time," this can be done with a little bit of thought and effort.

This stuff isn't rocket science. Based on my lengthy, albeit difficult conversation with my rockero (as my Spanish is not the best and he seemed to know exactly zero English words), I'm pretty sure he did not have more than an elementary school education. What he did have--obviously--was a lot of experience offering women pleasurable experiences.

Not going right in for a grope in exchange for a common courtesy. That's treating a woman like a prostitute who works for polite gestures. Eeewww. "But I was nice to her!" No.

I won't go into the juicy details of my positive experience today, because you can't just copy something that master class, but I will offer a few simple, handy tips.

  1. If you are going to an elaborate, theatrical show like Ghost or Rammstein, don't even think about it. NO WOMAN EVER paid upwards of $75, traveled from the ends of the earth, and stood for hours in those shoes so that she could split her attention between the glorious performances of Papa Emeritus / Till Lindemann and you.
  2. Ask yourself what you have to offer a woman in the sexy department. Don't ever think that you can exchange your "niceness" for sexual favors. Let me repeat: Eeewwww. 
  3. Now that you have come up with some attractive physical qualities, skills, or other offerings you think some lady out there might enjoy, ask yourself if a lady ever has actually enjoyed these qualities of yours. Haven't tried them out yet? Ask your trusted female friends if these offerings tend to be of interest to women... especially in the context where you plan to hit on strangers. Do you not have female friends you can ask about these matters? Stop. Reevaluate your life. Get to know some women as human beings. At least watch The Mindy Project or something. Go back to step one or just, you know, get on Tinder and leave women alone at concert venues.

Dude-bros, listen. The world is soaked in imagery and media designed to get you off. Women are complex and difficult to excite, and popular culture in general does not pander to our needs in that department. Bands like Ghost and Rammstein set some of us ladies right on fire, and a live show may be the highlight of the decade for us. Your unsolicited manhandling of us in the crowd, to put it "nicely," harshes the flow. Let us have this, k? Thanks!

Comments

  1. THIS IS ALL TRUE.

    Except the price. Ghost doesn't go all out on the pyrotechnics. So much cheaper! Also, read this tidbit from an interview with a Nameless Ghoul:

    Your music is so rich and beautiful in a similar tradition to that of the church. I feel that the church uses beautiful, epic music to help bring in their followers. It is fair to say that Ghost uses this tactic as well?

    Yes. In many ways, we have a very similar approach of touching people in the same way the church has always done. We are creating a solemn moment where you are tickled visually, musically, with scent. Some get tickled sexually; we do, too. We’re doing something very similar to the old traditional way of putting emotions into people by overpowering them with expression.


    Read More: A Nameless Ghoul From Ghost B.C. Speaks About ‘Infestissumam,’ the Devil + More | http://loudwire.com/nameless-ghoul-ghost-b-c-infestissumam-the-devil-more/?trackback=tsmclip

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Bad Romance Starring Till Lindemann, Sophia Thomalla, Gavin Rossdale, Simone Thomalla, Sven Martinek, Andy LaPlegua, and Leila Lowfire

To misquote Gaga, "I don't speak German, but I can look at foreign tabloids and guess what's going on if you like."


I guess it would be more professional and ladylike for me to be above this sordid celebrity gossip, but I'm not. I'm so not.


So let's see if I've got this straight. From what I gather...


Metalgod Till Lindemann, 54, and model Sophia Thomalla, 27 (upper left) recently exited a five-year, on-off, opennish relationship, which began when Sophia's actress mother Simone (upper right, in the center) and Simone's then-lover (between her marriages to nubile young athletes) actor Sven Martinek (lower left, in the center), who is famous for his lead role in German TV show Der Clown (lower right) thought it would be cute to set Sophia up with their pal Till. Apparently, the 22-year-old Sophia was not repulsed at her parental figures setting her up with a drinking buddy significantly older than her mom, which absolutely makes sense when the d…

35 Great Things About Turning 35

The prime of life starts at 35! It's the best-kept secret from younger people, but your 35th birthday is a major cause for celebration. For mine, I have made my own listicle of 35 reasons why experts agree that 35 is the best age to be:
You get to say, "I'm 35." The number 35 carries so much more gravitas than 30, but you're only a few years older. At 34, I've started fudging my age--by adding a year. People automatically take me seriously, and if they don't, at least they tell me I look young for my age. (Eye roll, hair toss, "whatever.")  35-year-olds DGAF. Inner chill reaches new heights at 35. Despite its #2 status on this list, it's the #1 response I hear about what's best about hitting 35. My gorgeous friend Nerlie was beautiful and resilient and wise beyond her years in high school, but now, at age 35, she gets to fully enjoy being herself on her own terms. She writes,  "I've survived so much that I don't waste time o…

Still Hot

Still Hot, A List: OctoberMindyTillWonder WomanDem Shoes
1. October As my friend Esperanza says, October is still hot "because of these beautiful global warming days." Sometimes it's too hot for me to bake pies, and that ain't right, but we make do. I know it's weird, but sometimes we must resort to the pumpkin pie ice cream from Quality Dairy.


2. The Mindy Project Speaking of Esperanza, she subscribed to Hulu so we could catch up on The Mindy Project together. There is nothing in the world like this show, which bounces gracefully between potty humor and super soapy dramz. Plus a parade of hot, objectified men. We watched the classic "Diamond Dan" episode twice in a row even though we had both seen it before already. Sometimes that's what you have to do when you have talked and giggled through all the brilliant dialog. We wouldn't want to lose the... thread.

3. Till Lindemann Speaking of hot, objectified men, Till Lindemann's book of photog…