My spirit animal and fairy godsister Esperanzita just wrote about her first time... on the General Admission floor of a Ghost concert. She went expecting to have a hot, naughty time rocking out to her favorite guilty pleasure and had it ruined by a horny bro-dude who showed up with his handsy hands and no game plan.
Bro-dudes, listen. There is a right way and a wrong way to get frisky with a stranger at a concert. I am not opposed to it in general. Back in the early days of this millennium, Esperanza took me to a super hot Jaguares concert in Mexico. As I basked in the sultry voice of Saul Hernandez with his luxurious mane and tight ass bellbottom jeans, I was approached by a muscular and handsome rockero who exhibited his own poetic Romance language skills, rhythmic talents, and courtship maneuvers that still make me sweat to recall. Whoo! Needless to say, my concert experience was greatly enhanced by this interaction, and we both enjoyed ourselves.
Sadly, most interactions we ladies have in the General Admission pool at concerts with strange men range from annoying to disturbing. If you're, like, one of those dudes who gets off by groping random women on the bus and running away with your pit stains, this post is not for you. But if you're actually trying to "meet someone" to "have a good time," this can be done with a little bit of thought and effort.
This stuff isn't rocket science. Based on my lengthy, albeit difficult conversation with my rockero (as my Spanish is not the best and he seemed to know exactly zero English words), I'm pretty sure he did not have more than an elementary school education. What he did have--obviously--was a lot of experience offering women pleasurable experiences.
Not going right in for a grope in exchange for a common courtesy. That's treating a woman like a prostitute who works for polite gestures. Eeewww. "But I was nice to her!" No.
I won't go into the juicy details of my positive experience today, because you can't just copy something that master class, but I will offer a few simple, handy tips.
- If you are going to an elaborate, theatrical show like Ghost or Rammstein, don't even think about it. NO WOMAN EVER paid upwards of $75, traveled from the ends of the earth, and stood for hours in those shoes so that she could split her attention between the glorious performances of Papa Emeritus / Till Lindemann and you.
- Ask yourself what you have to offer a woman in the sexy department. Don't ever think that you can exchange your "niceness" for sexual favors. Let me repeat: Eeewwww.
- Now that you have come up with some attractive physical qualities, skills, or other offerings you think some lady out there might enjoy, ask yourself if a lady ever has actually enjoyed these qualities of yours. Haven't tried them out yet? Ask your trusted female friends if these offerings tend to be of interest to women... especially in the context where you plan to hit on strangers. Do you not have female friends you can ask about these matters? Stop. Reevaluate your life. Get to know some women as human beings. At least watch The Mindy Project or something. Go back to step one or just, you know, get on Tinder and leave women alone at concert venues.
Dude-bros, listen. The world is soaked in imagery and media designed to get you off. Women are complex and difficult to excite, and popular culture in general does not pander to our needs in that department. Bands like Ghost and Rammstein set some of us ladies right on fire, and a live show may be the highlight of the decade for us. Your unsolicited manhandling of us in the crowd, to put it "nicely," harshes the flow. Let us have this, k? Thanks!