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When Mommy Works and Writes: Do or Don't Let It Go

I'm halfway through my fourth year of mothering while working two part-time jobs and writing a novel. Queen Elsa's hit song has been the perfect soundtrack to my life lately. (And that's a good thing, considering how little choice I have in the matter, whether at home or out in any public place!) It's clear by now that a woman can have a lot of things in life, just not all at once, and a woman can lean hard in any direction, but physics limits us to only one direction at a time. Summer and winter can't coexist; there's a season for everything. Blah blah blah.

Juggling this many responsibilities takes the courage to get creative and color outside the lines.

So what does it all mean in terms of specifically when a creatively powered lady needs to let go and when she needs to hold on tight? The complicated truth is that the sweet spot is in the center of a Venn diagram with many spheres of passion and obligation, and its dimensions are as personal and changeable as a mommy's body measurements--making Naked Lady Parties essential (read on). 

But I will go ahead and share my own lists. Keep in mind that these are not hard and fast rules; there are always exceptions! Exceptions rule. But it's been important to me to find a new normal so that there are more happy surprises than disappointments.

What I've Let Go

Evenings

It's a constant challenge for us to accept (and try to get our friends and relatives to accept) that it is nearly impossible for us to do anything after work besides eat a light meal at home and go to bed. DaddyMan gets up at 4:00 a.m. to earn us some health insurance, so we normally hit the hay at 8:00. In our early and mid-twenties, in the era B.C. (Before Child), we could deal with sleep deprivation every weekend or so and do fun things after dark. But when you add in a constant level of sleep deprivation, plus a small child who goes all monkeypoop when you disrupt her bedtime ritual, and top it off with the economics of a good babysitter costing more than what we earn, these kinds of things (below) just aren't happening for us anymore. Breakfast and mimosas, anyone?



Entertaining

We used to LOVE throwing parties, complete with fancy treats, pounding playlists, bonfires, wood chopping contests, drinking, and staying up after dark. Most of the things we enjoyed doing with friends were hazardous or inappropriate for children. Now it's rough just having friends come over for a family-friendly visit. If they can hack their way through the weeds growing through the driveway and navigate through the toys and shoes and discarded underpants littering the floor (left in the wake of the child just seconds after I've picked up), I still have to deal with the humiliation of letting people see how I live these days. It's not as though I never let anyone inside anymore, but we have stopped offering to host parties and gatherings. I miss it, but I've also embraced the joys of letting someone else do it!

A tidy home

Cleanliness is important, but a neat and tidy home is something only ogre mothers are able to maintain. Not a moment goes by when my daughter is not building a tower out of bath products, dumping out a bucket of blocks, or covering the houseplant in stickers. All of her messy activities are creative and healthy and skill-building, and she moves faster than I do, so I've had to make friends with Discord, much like the magical friends on My Little Pony. (Oh yeah, I wasn't even going to mention giving up adult-oriented TV shows, but those are out of the question too. Obviously.)

Vegetable gardening

This is going to be a great activity to do with a kindergartener. I keep telling myself that.

Composting and recycling at home

I am ashamed to admit that it's become too hard to make those weekly trips to the recycling center. And on years when I'm not growing vegetables, the task of keeping compostable scraps in a container in plain view in the kitchen (because out of sight would mean we forget to take it out back) is just... no. Nux Gallica is constantly on the search for "ingredients" to "cook" and feed to her troll dolls in between art house weedwhacker haircuts. Recycling and composting are going to be great things to teach a kindergartener. I keep telling myself that.

Jewelry, makeup, and nail polish

Unless they are part of dress-up and sharing time with the child, it is not reasonable to expect that I can apply makeup, put on dangly or interesting accessories, or do my nails and be able to leave the house with my look intact. I've invested in cooler glasses and high quality skin care products so I can confidently leave the house looking nice, if not fancy.

Travel

There is a magical window of time when a baby is about as low-maintenance as a dog you can carry in a purse, and under-twos can fly in your lap for free. Outside of that magical window, forget it. Every hellish odyssey is either coming straight out of the child's education fund or racking up credit card debt. Being a tourist in your hometown isn't a bad idea, especially if you have babysitting relatives or friends around.

45-minute home workouts

My daughter's attention span for mommy working out is approximately five minutes, while her enthusiasm for playing with a yoga mat, free weights, or any other exercise equipment is limitless. Especially if I am using it. Children are like cats times a thousand in terms of throwing their bodies on top of whatever interests you at the moment. So my exercise routine has become play-based. A good day consists of 40 minutes light cardio (walking to and from the playground pushing a Burley bike trailer converted to stroller) with jungle gym strength training and parkour in the middle.


What I Will Not Let Go

Very basic hygiene

I've learned some shortcuts to keeping myself and my daughter AND her toys clean, such as taking mother/daughter/plastic toy baths. My favorite head-to-toe skin-and-hair baby wash, Shea Moisture with marula oil, has powerful anti-aging properties for Mama. Don't tell anyone, but I've found that unless I get real down and dirty, I can get by with just one proper shower/shampoo a week if I share evening baths with Nux Gallica, the My Little Ponies, and the synchronized swimmer Barbies. Baby lotion and rash balms are also great products to share. I never would have found this out on my own. Thanks for sharing, Nux!

Healthy meals

See a pattern here? Health comes first. Being sick has become a more frequent and more life-disrupting occurrence now that we live with a person who has the personal habits of a three-year-old and hangs out with other three-year-olds. Because I'm still nursing this boob-ravenous, kindergartener-sized, vampire creature, illnesses pass through her quickly but leave me looking like a dried up Olsen twin for weeks. Cooking meals and planning healthy snacks is a challenge, but it's essential for me to function--and it's setting her up for a lifetime of naturally healthy habits and the appreciation of simple pleasures, like shelling fresh peas and eating them raw. Crunch crunch!

Partner intimacy 

It's so important for me to remember to give my husband a hug, kiss on the cheek, or shoulder rub at least once a day. Physical affection and intimacy are sporadic and lacking on spontaneity these days, and that is okay as long as there are small moments of connection each day. (This statement is not endorsed by my husband.) The love is being shared among three people now, with one person receiving 98% of the love. Pre-baby levels of romance are unrealistic during early childhood (the hardest time span in the average marriage). It's vital to hold onto a little something that requires the child to be on the other side of a locked door.

Writing time

Though my creative writing time has been reduced to about five hours a week (including blogging, group discussions, critique of others' work, and research), I hold fast to my quota just to keep skin in the game. My monthly writing group is a literary life raft keeping me afloat between childbirth and elementary school. I think of this time in metaphors like seed germination or hibernation. My writing practice hasn't ended or stopped developing, but it's okay--and even beneficial--for it to be quiet and slow for a set period of time. I call it slowductivity.

Learning and trying new things

My foreign film and language software habits have been seriously compromised, but that doesn't mean I can't learn a few new things while taking Nux out for educational experiences. We've been to many programs at the library, science and history museums, zoo, and local festivals learning about Vikings, fungus, robotics, birds, dinosaurs, coal mining, and our local community. It might be just enough to keep my mommy brain from atrophying, but I'll take it. Low-pressure learning and exploration get me in touch with my inner child while building Nux's curiosity about her world.

Fun and friendship

Celebrating every holiday, from the reverent to the cheesy, is a must for a young family. Celebrations are the meat of memory. We love baking cookies for birthday parties, putting up simple but fun decorations, and connecting with family for every special occasion. And when friends or family travel from out of town, playing with them takes precedence over every chore and non-mandatory obligation. These are the days that make life worth living!


It's also good for Mommy to get out once or twice a year (on top of my monthly writing group meetings, of course!) for ladies-only fun. Bonus points if the event saves me money instead of costing a wad. Cocktail nights have been exchanged for things like morning Naked Lady Parties! My friend Duff of Jean Jean Vintage hosted a super fun gathering earlier this summer for a big group of local moms. We dropped off our spawns with relatives for a couple hours to meet up at her house, share homemade treats, and trade clothing that has gotten too big/small/fancy/casual/trendy/dull for our ever-changing bodies and lifestyles. Our waists expand and contract, our breasts swell and shrink, we go back to work or stay at home, we pick up new interests and drop outgrown habits, and our wardrobe needs change. I love these parties, because I can get rid of a heap of clothes that don't fit or excite me anymore and bring home a sack of great, new-to-me clothes for free! Better yet, it's two hours jam-packed with laughter, catching up with busy mom friends, and making new acquaintances on a similar life journey. I come home clothed in warm fuzzies as well as fresh fashions.

Flexibility

And we come full-circle, because flexibility is the ability to let go of something to make room for something else. It's what keeps working-writing-parenting folks from breaking apart at the seams.

So, working and writing people, what have you let go since having a child? What do you hold tight?

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