Nightclubbing is not just for celebutantes and trust fund brats. Mr. G and I discovered this last weekend. We have this week off work (usually Mr. G rises at 4:00 a.m.), so we got to stay up really late like other young people. Whee! But taking time off work also means less cash flow. Sadly, one of our four jobs did not offer paid vacation, so we didn't have much money to blow at the club. But as it turned out, we spent less than $20 for the two of us to party at the best club in town for about four hours. I share my cheap clubbing tips with you here...
1. Don't be a lifestyle partier. My liver is completely unaccustomed to liquor. Therefore, it only takes two drinks to get me smashed. Know your limits, and reap the benefits of being a cheap date. If you can't handle your drink, sip it slow. It's a lot sexier, more comfortable, and more affordable than chugging and then puking all night.
2. It helps to know a VIP. Check out our model friend Sacajawhitey on this window advertisement for a photography studio right down the street from the club. She's, like, a local celebrity.
OK, not really. But it helps if someone in your cadre at least LOOKS famous, especially in a smallish town like Lansing, as I learned from bypassing the velvet rope a couple years ago dressed as Marilyn Manson. (Who knew THAT would help? Whatever, yo.)
3. Bring the party. Go with friends that are so fun, you don't need more than a happy buzz for everything to seem funny and interesting. Oh, and get over using alcoholic blackouts as excuses to lower your inhibitions and do stuff that you kinda want to do but don't want your friends to think you would do in your right mind. Go with people who unconditionally love you no matter how spastic your dancing or how many people you make out with in the bathroom. This is a party. Own that naughty behavior.
4. Find a place with no cover charge. Then you can put 100% of that bottle return change toward inebriation and maybe a few cage dancer tips.
5. Run a tab. Give the bartender your credit card and ID to keep for the evening. Usually, when you do this, the bartender will give you free glasses of water, juice, or soda in between drinks. It feels and looks like you're drinking a lot, but you get less trashed, keep more of your money, and experience 50% of the hangover.
6. If possible, do not buy your own drinks. Single friend Sacajawhitey had the best pickup lines ever, concise and efficient. "Hello, my name is Sacajawhitey. Would you like to buy me a drink?" There she is, in the jeans, shaking down that old guy! It worked like a charm all night.
7. If possible, do not buy your own cigarettes. Until May, it is still legal to smoke in Michigan bars. The temptation is high for smokers and "former" smokers like Mr. G. But do you really need to buy a pack? Drunk people are easy to bum off of.
Also, the second-hand smoke is so thick, there really isn't much of a point in lighting up your own.
8. Skip the "extras." Run them out of your lounge with love. That underpants guy hawking trendy shots in crack pipes? Get outta here. The psychic from Detroit? Sorry, not for fifteen bucks! Take pictures of them like they're Mickey Mouse at Disney World until they run for cover.
This fellow, above, was giving away free eye candy that was of much higher quality than that Crystal Lite and vodka or whatever on his little tray. A psychic lady also entered our lounge and offered private readings for a dollar a minute. I was kind of ready to go until she blew her cover by adding that those of us in couples could have some private time with her to see if our partners were straying.
"Psychic" lady apparently didn't realize that the man giving me a lap dance there wasn't my husband...
...and neither of the ladies snuggling and dirty dancing with Mr. G were his wife.
I mean, it's not like we're swingers or anything, but clearly we're not uptighty-whities with jealousy issues. I need a psychic who will tell me what lotto ticket to buy, not whether my husband will stray. I can see him from here, thanks.
9. If possible, climb into one of the dancers' cages and do your thing there instead of on the dance floor. You may receive some tips. Next time we go to this club, I will have to remember to dress Mr. G in sparkly hot pants or some such thing, as the men in pretty things seemed to get the most cash at this particular bar.
10. Buy clubwear at the thrift store. Speaking of attire, things you wear to the club get disgustingly sweaty and cigarette smoky. I learned the hard way that a long-sleeved turtleneck is not the best thing to wear in a room that literally has sweat running down the walls. Mrs. Waxx was much wiser in her choice of a $2 sleeveless sequined top from the thrift store.
Stay safe, kids, and happy clubbing!